This summer will be 1 year since trying to meet my spirit guides. I used to make a joke out of it, and talk about it more so like it wasn’t that serious. Does everyone do the samething before there trying to meet their afterlife? Like talk so casual and fantasize about doing so but not actually doing it? As I sit here gathering what I need to start the process to “do it right this time” im more calm. Like an odd acceptance, but this time I’ll make sure I don’t leave much work for others. Gotta love amazon! I ordered 2 books – “Im dead now what” and Oh wait duh i got 3 books! Little miss indecisive couldn’t pick between the other 2 so one is ” Mom, what’s your story” and the other is “My life story”.

Now aint gonna lie im eating the BIGGEST shit sandwich one person can take and guess what? Im gonna cry about it. Yup take that.

I seriously thought this man was my SOUL mate. Oh my gosh when I tell you I could FEEL the love just by him looking at me. His presence around me. I literally have never felt so loved in my whole entire life until the day he walked into the bar that night. Also as I ignore 597,490 red flags telling me this is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. Videos I have seen and heard so many times before but just last night realizing he’s been this way EVEN before buying the house together. Ugh, it kills me. Like his dad even sat him down and “had the talk” with him. “Now son, are you sure you want to do this”. This is a big step here. It’s a commitment just like marriage. He said yes this is what I want. Him and I laid on his bed in his parents house making sure we would be able to afford this house. Budgeting making sure that we would be able to afford extras here and there. Literally asking him a handful of times are you sure you want to do this? I BELIEVED him. He was so good with his words.

Not like anyone was really important in my life at that time anyways, they were all aquitences anyways but I didn’t NEED anyone else. We did everything together as so I thought. But honestly what has happened this past 2 years has been going on far before that. I used to live at his parents and he would pull the same fucking bullshit. All to hang out with some low lives. Like honestly for what? Its mind boggling to me how someone would literally choose to hang out with people to have to keep secret because there not good people!

I don’t know even how to put into words to even express to start the grieving process. And I feel pathetic even saying it’s all due to a broken heart. This man fought for 3 years stood by my side and proved to me that he was worthy of putting down my wall. I remember the day like it was yesterday as if I meant nothing to him. The things he would say to me and I would caught off guard like who the hell says that to the person “they love”? For instance the day our son was born, were like 1.5 miles from the hospital and he literally says with no smile or anything and the vibe I was feeling from him made me so uncomfortable, Today finally is here, Now when he comes out well be outta here and on our way”.

Yes we all know “P” he has dry humor and is “never serious”. But the twisted part is, is his humor is his reality. Im not sure what was more embarrassing the fact that it was right there under my nose or actually wanting to believe that he did love me.

‘