“Your not good enough”, “Your crazy” , “Your a shitty Mother”, “Your a drug addict”, “Your mean” “You dont love us”, “Your Satin” “You did this to yourself”

I keep repeating in my head.

It’s 10:23 P.M. on this hot humid Summer evening. I just laid my 1 year old down. I gather my letters that i wrote a few days ago and set them beside me on the table. Im just sitting here in the damp mildew basement, sitting on a 3 step ladder listening to Simple Man by Shinedown on repeat. Gosh i love this song. I sang this song to all 3 of my children. It’s actually pretty loud, wondering if i should turn down the volume for respect for my father who just arrived a a few weeks ago. He has some business to take care of and will be staying with me. That thought vanished as fast as it popped in my head. Im getting slightly frustrated but in a calm collective sorta way trying to get things in order per se. Every so often glancing at the baby monitor getting teary eyed. “What is wrong with me” as i think to myself. Going between a PDF version and step by step YouTube tutorial trying to tie this knot.

:”If you’re not going to help me tie this knot, then SHUT UP”! As i yell to the voices. What is wrong with my BRAIN. Why dont your ver just stop. I dont want to think about this. As more memories over flow my brain. “Your crazy”, “You need to be on meds”, “I can’t do this relationship if you wont get your meds changed”, “Your delusional”, Your a Psychopath”. “Your never going to get proof”, there not hurting you are they”? “There’s no one here”, “I wasn’t talking to anyone”. Non-stop challenging myself, loss of sleep, not thinking clearly. Going back and fourth maybe i am crazy. Yea he wouldn’t do that. He loves me. He TELLS me he loves me and our family. Cmon Amber you know him. I start to think of the beginning of our relationship and i tears just start to flow…..

People would say when I walked into a room “all eyes were on me”. I just light up the room. Outgoing, Personable, LOUD. I owned it. I am your typical lifetime movie drama. Growing up well you can say ive gone through the trenches and honestly it made me the person I am today. More in-school suspensions; out of school suspensions then I can count due to fights. I was the bully for the bullies. I couldn’t stand when people talk down or treat ANYONE with disrespect. Most It was mainly the popular kids that were mean to the “nerds, geeks, lower class, kids with mental abilities”. I did not like that. I pretty much got along with most. At one point in my life I was in foster care. Which my dream is to be a foster parent. Experiencing what those homes can be like and realizing that most NOT ALL but most are seriously in it for the money. That’s not a myth. I always wanted to be a Marine. But that didn’t work out in my favor. Marines don’t quit, they are top of the top and which I would havre jumped through hoops to be a part of that but that will just stay in my “regret” list. I got involved with druggies and well living on your own staying away from family I had to make money. No I did not become a prostitue or stripper. Haha shoo between not having ANY Rhythm and once I started shaking my bootay and stop the rest of my body will totally be jiggling without any effort. So I started selling drugs. Ecstasy, Wet, Marijuana was the 3 top ones. I consumed whatever was available. Except for heroin. I did that one time on accident, seriously not on purpose by any means and well I am more of an upper gal. I don’t like to get slowed down by any means! PA got boring so coasted to Clovis, NM where I was introduced to the good ol snow whites dirty cousin Meth. WOW! Talk about monkey detectives following me while I’m driving swinging off the trees, tapping into my radio. I’ll get more in details of all this in another blog. Went to prison for 3 years for Manufacturing and Distributing. In 2011 I was released and I moved in with my grandmother. Became a manager at a restaurant after sometime started school for message therapy. I was doing so good!

The day i met the love of my life. I was bartending at Rockwells Bar in a small town Greenlane, PA. Probably like 10 guests at most in the bar. Were all jammin and well i used to be super fun and outgoing. I’d make whatever FUN. So I’m in my own little world it’s about midnight and the i hear the door open. I turn to my left and no joke talk about a scene from a movie! As the first guy walked through the doorway, TIME STOPPED or should i say completely SLOWED THE F*** down. Imagine Gleams of light shining all around his masculine figure. The most enchanted darkest shiny brown hair styled like the “Retro combover”. His beard was thick like badgor fur. Wearing a red and black flannel with a graphic black T and blue jeans. As he walks to the corner of the bar and he and his friend take a seat. “Why does he look familiar” i think to myself wiping the drool off my face. I start to walk over “Dont get weird Amber” i say to myself.

“What can i get for you boys to drink”

“Pint of Budweiser and a shot of Jager” He says.

I serve them their drinks and go about my business attending the other guests. And then it hit me! So if you know me, i am the type of person i “speak my mind” Good Bad or indifferent. I dont think about what comes out of my mouth until it’s already left the space station.

I walk over to them ask if they needed anything else and before i could even stop myself the words flood out of my mouth. “I had a dream about you”

Wow, did i just sound like a creep! Honestly im not sure how the rest of the night went particularly but i do know we definitely ended up hanging out though at some point! Now it wasn’t butterflies and dragonflies from then. We had things going on and doing our own thing for the most part. I’d say about a year later we started “really” hanging out. I of course called him late nights after i my night ended with the girls. And before i know it BAM! Like i was hit by a semi! What is going on, this man is like the coolest cat. I was a few months post separation from my husband. ( i will get into that another time) i had ZERO intentions of dating. My kids were my everything. My life revolved around them. They are my reason to wake up every day. I had them majority full time for the about the first 6 years. My daughter 5 turning 6 and my son was 3. He had a 6 month old at the time. July 2019 I remember standing in his driveway. HI just helped him pack for him and his daughter to meet the rest of the family at the beach. Us play arguing bc he wouldn’t leave unless if i would go with him. That day changed my life! We did everything together. LITERALLY. If i had to go somewhere, he was right by my side. If he had to go somewhere i was right by his side. Bonnie and Clyde. The laughs, sleepless nights just hanging out and joking around. He had all the same interests as me! The night i fell in love with him was when he and i was laying in the living room listening to music in front of the fireplace….COLORING like in a coloring book. Where did he come from. Where have you been all my life! He was my soulmate. I new i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He was the first person to EVER make me feel like an actual woman. He made me feel so confident that i never thought it would be possible! Confidently walk into a room our arms interlocking and i felt like the most beautiful woman in the room. In my heart knew he only had eyes for me! The patience this man had, the way it looked at me when i entered the room. The kisses he gave me when he woke up, went to bed, randomly through out the day. Random calls/texts throughout the day letting me know that he was thinking of me. He showed he cared every minute of every day. I never doubted not 1 time that he was not loyal. I am very insecure about myself. From my past, to my personality and of course physically as well. Between my body to my looks. But what this man made me feel was like a queen. He told me his darkest secrets, told me everything and i trusted every word that came out of this man mouth. FIRST. TIME.EVER. I could keep going to be honest. The way he interacted with my children, with us as a whole. You couldn’t tell me shit. I felt like we could conquer the world as long as i had him by my side.